The Ultimate To Do List - Part 2

11. PARTY WITH THE BEST IN THE WORLD — Want to really party?  Try one of these locations:

Ibiza, Spain
Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany
Carnival in Rio, Brazil
Miami, USA

I will definitely without a shadow of a doubt be going wild in Ibiza very soon! Just try and stop me. Wiiiiiillllllldddddd!!

12. AVOID LOOKING OLD — We suggest the following tips for keeping that youthful glow.
1. Plenty of water inside and outside.

2. For men, keep your weapons sharp and clean.  A blunt razor will rip clumps of skin off your face and speed up the aging process. 

3. Give your skin regular pampering.

Obviously like me, you starting reading number two thinking that the guy needs to keep his penis sharp and clean in order to keep young …. Thought so.

13. BECOME A WINE BUFF — Here are three rules to ordering wine:

1. Your wine should normally match your meal.  Remember, white goes with light.  This means if you’re eating light flavors like chicken or fish, go for the white wine. Red goes with dark, so always pair red wine with red meat and highly spiced foods.

2. Get the right temperature. Keep white wine in the refrigerator and keep red wine at room temperature. Pink wine should be cold and sparkling wine even colder.

3. Like what you drink and drink what you like.

So here are my three rules to drinking wine…

1.      Only ever have the one glass – just keep topping it up. No-one will ever know you’re bladdered. That’s unless you start dancing on tables and showing your boobs. That’s what my friend told me she does.

2.      It doesn’t need to match your meal, just your purse. 3 for £10 at Tesco are usually a gooden. It might taste like piss, but who’s complaining at £3.33 a bottle.

3.      Never regret what you do when you’re drunk, it’s the entire wines fault. Everyone knows this.

14. TAKE A ROAD TRIP — The road trip is the only way to really experience all that our vast country has to offer. 

So last time I did this, we ended up getting lost on our way back from Sunderland, and landed in a field with a load of sheep. I tried to chase one, stood in some droppings and then we got chased off the land with a farmer and his gun. Amazing.

15. LEARN HOW TO COOK

I am officially getting better. I, like every other person has had my fair share of disasters, like burning beans and putting the grill tray into the oven, and closing the door, causing my halls to be evacuated.

16. BUY YOUR FAVORITE ARCADE GAME 

As I keep reminding everyone, I really am not a boy.

17. VISIT FAMOUS FICTIONAL LOCATIONS OR CELEBRITY WATCH 

I’m a bit of a fruit when it comes to celebrities. I get star struck even with Z listers. For instance, when Sam one half of Samanda from Big Brother came into M&S when I worked there, I dropped her soup on the floor and dropped the card machine on her foot. Smooth. I think I will watch in the distance. Oh did I mention I have stood on Gerrard’s toe also. Walking Disaster.

18. COME FACE TO FACE WITH MOTHER NATURE —  It’s dangerous, risky, and sometimes deadly but if you want to look Mother Nature straight in the eye, then storm chasing has got to be on the list.

Dudes, I’m British, we complain if there is dribble of rain. I’m definitely not going to look at ways to kill myself.

19. ROCK ‘TIL YOU DROP — The music that you love during your younger years is the music that you’ll love forever. Crowd Surfing is a great way to share your love with the rest of the crowd. It’s also a great way to get the best view of your favorite band.

Croatia’10 – Our first night at the Hideout Festival, and me and my dwarf friends headed straight for the mosher pit, we never saw the drink we bought or the act, we just jumped everywhere care free. Brave little soldiers we were.

The Ultimate To Do List - Part 1

1.  FIGURE OUT HOW TO GROW UP, NOT OLD — Each day should be an adventure where you do something different, learn something new and experience anything life throws at you.

Well, I can definitely say I am doing this every single day. If I’m not getting shit on by a bird, I’m going to work with odd shoes. I’d say something I’ve learnt today – never wear jean, jumper, pump and satchel combination, you will only look like a skater boy. Not girl. Boy.

2. PUSH YOURSELF  —  Test yourself by entering one of these world famous competitions:
The London marathon is the largest modern race in the world, so join the 40,000 other runners and see if you can go the 26.2 mile distance.

So I kinda see this like I see lent. Never in a million years would I be able to run a marathon. I can barely run up the stairs without passing out. For Lent I try and trick myself into choosing something I really don’t mind to give up. Sprouts or running. So with the same method, I can see myself pretending I’ve really pushed myself into doing something. Although once, I was about 7, I entered world’s (Haven’s) strongest boy (I was the only girl on stage) my mum obviously thought it was sexist, or was beginning to think I really was a boy. All we had to do was bend and flex into a pose. Only went and bloody won it. Haven 96’, those were the days.

3. QUIT A JOB YOU HATE

I’m trying

4. DESTROY SOMETHING BIG WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE 

I have decided for this one, I would like to destroy my ex-boyfriends huge ego. Pretty much the only thing that was big.

5. BACKPACK — Traveling the world, broadening your mind, and generally having the best holiday of your life is what backpacking is all about. 

I definitely want to Travel the world at some point in my life. Although I am very worried for myself. I used to think that Portugal was in Wales, and was very shocked to learn that Rome, is in fact, not a country. Noo. Not even a little bit.

I am also worried about the whole bag situation. My mum calls me the bag lady, and I have been known to take 5 bags to my friends to stay over for 1 night. Imagine for a year!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SINK OR SWIM  — Get up close and personal with the largest, most deadly, most intelligent, and the most colorful creatures in the sea.

Ching ching ching. Done this bad boy. Florida 2004, in Typhoon Lagoon, me, my best friend and my older brother swam with sharks. Although we were given strict instructions not to splash about with our hands and feet, so shit myself when I turned to see my brother doing some crazy swimming towards us. I told him to look down and enjoy it whilst he could, but he just said he was too busy shitting himself.

7. PLAY HOOKY AND DO SOMETHING FUN

Just incase any potential employees ever read this, you can count on me never to do it!!!!!!

Although once I skipped class in college to snog a boy at the bike sheds. Cliché I know, but very true.

 8. PUSH YOUR LIMITS.

Once again same as Number 2. Although I do want to skydive one day, but I am afraid of flying and heights. I’m basically fucked.

9. MASTER THE WEDDING TOAST  — Chances are you will be asked to give a wedding toast before you turn 30, but make sure you've actually mastered it before the big event.

Now I know this is going to happen. I’ve got one friend engaged, and two potential. And whether they like it or not, I’m like Uncle Knobhead at a party and will grab the mic at any chance I get. Already Mastered.

10. EAT SOMETHING CRAZY 

Funnily enough this occurred today. My brother is in year 10 at school and studying Home Economics, and being the kind family that we are, trial everything he brings home. This week. Fishcakes. So I am out for tea on the night everyone has them, never the less my mums slaps it in my lunch box for work. Oh dear lord. I opened the lid at lunch and the smell hit me so hard in the face, and when I turned to look next to me, my colleagues were gagging. Brilliant. I am going to be known as the fishy one. Always a good reputation to have. Not to mention all the bones I found it the two bites I had. Bin. I will be having words later, my brother actually tried to kill me. But failed. Although he has bruised my work ego.

Just a normal Friday in the shoes of Alice

As I reflect on Fridays events, it doesn’t take long for me to laugh out loud at myself, and the sorry excuse for a lady I am.

I happen to decide to try my hand at a sales job, and of course, they definitely sold me the job. In my head I was making £345,383,665.10 a week, and pound signs were constantly spinning round my chubby face. I was blinded by the fact I had passed an interview and Friday, was my trial day.

I got up feeling anxious, but excited. Took me about 3 days to straighten my curly wig, and for the first time since, erm, infact ever… I ironed my dress. I was officially growing up.

On arrival I was greeted by a happy clappy kind of girl, but all in all seemed nice, and I was glad I was teamed with her for the day. We began by getting taught a bit of the basics…. We were selling insulation. Not insulin as I go on to call it, a door to door drug dealer in the making! I was wondering why my friends could not understand why I was going to be selling a diabetics’ drug door to door.

So after a half hour talk about the benefits of Direct Marketing and a diagram like so…….

….my head was officially baffled. Although I managed to keep my overly enthusiastic, almost fake smile smacked on my face.

We were ready to go into the field. Although I wish they didn’t keep harpering on about the field business, as I was becoming convinced that I was Jack Bauer about to go into the field, on a mission to save the world. Instead, a very wet ride to Preston to knock on possibly the worst council state I will ever encounter.

First ten minutes: I stand in dog shit!!!!! Smashing. Shoes go straight for the bin. Luckily the girl I was with could lend me her spare boots.

Let me show you how this looked….

Raging lesbian. Again.

6 hours I walked round with hideous size 8 things on my feet. My hair, after non stop rain, became an actual afro. I wanted to shoot myself, and get it over with.

Worst. Day. Ever

Next time, not only am I going to read the job spec properly, I’m also going to avoid sales at every single cost.

Alice. Still a walking disaster. And shoeless once again.

Hangover No 487,502,350,570,540,817,345,100

So Friday the 13^th got off with a bang, and I find myself sat at my desk with quite a delicate hangover, and a few 5ps left in my purse. Thought a quick post would be appropriate for my outlook on today. (Not that I can see without an alcohol gaze across my pupils).

As I approach 23 I realise I have nothing to show for it, but a dead end job and an empty purse. However, I have come to the conclusion, whilst sat looking at my diary for the next year, that if I die next week of any of the following, liver failure, sore feet, or dry mouth, I will know that I have lived my 22 years like an animal.

Also, I am meant to be going out tonight?? Don’t think it will ever end.

As time goes on, my Facebook feed is filled with engagements, weddings and baby drivel, but take a look at any of my nearest and dearest we pride ourselves in telling the world how were ‘Bladdered’, then ‘Hung-over’, Bladdered. Hung-over. Bladdered. And so on and so forth.

I am beginning to think that I will never grow up, settle down or set my status as ‘Oo baby Mitch did his first trump today.’ Well bloody done Mitchy.

Talk to ya Tomorrow….when I’m hungover.

Alcoholic Alice x

Midnight Brew (Copyright - Richard Mate)

Hopefully the song I am going to release in 2012.

Please sing to the sound of Mystique - One Night Stand.

"Get up, Get up it’s a Midnight Brew,

Here I come again with my late night crew!

We got to stir the coffee as its whirls around, whirl around, we gotta pay a pound

A m m midnight is coming round again, love of the coffee inside your cup stain.

Midnights here again, come its not time for earl grey!"

MIDNIGHT BREW OOOOO

Don't worry if you don't get it. Neither do I.

Alice Baby x

New Years Resolutions

Don’t think I have quite recovered from the festivities yet, but thought it was about time I shared my NYR. They aren’t really that hard to think of, I use the same ones every year.

• New job
• New man – standard
• Give up alcohol, smoking and eating. At all.

Although, I’m not keeping my hopes up for 2012, it’s meant to be the end. Until then I can keep being an alcoholic, sexaholic (try) and extreme drama Queen, until told not to.

On reflection of last year, I have nothing to say but, SCREW YOU 2011. You brought me a whole 6lb heavier, celibacy and absolutely nothing to shout about. This year maybe you could at least fulfil any of the above, so that I don’t grow an old sarcastic spinster with 7 cats. Or even better all of the below.

2012 Wish list

• 73 stone weight loss
• A voucher for Specsavers – no more beer goggles
• An allergy to alcohol – prevents liver failure and many a bruised ego
• New job – something I don’t want to stick needles in my eyes would be fine
• A voice that sounds as amazing as I do in the shower
• A loan for £456,459,345.00 to clear my debts
• A need to take more care of my monobrow – just realised its not a great look
• Stop being a sarcastic bitch
• Finally, the most important of all, act like a lady. Not a lager lout, ladette or little boy, a young lady who does not wish everyone to look upon her as a lesbian.

All the best for 2012, may it be as interesting as I know mine will be.

Lady Alice x

Christmasss Time, Mistletoe and Wine, and beer, vodka, tequila, rum and ginnnn!

To say my body hates me, is an absolute understatement.

This Christmas has been one big blur merged into one big glass of vodka. Some may call me an alcoholic, others simply see it as having a bloody good time.

Christmas 2011 Highlights:

Christmas Dinner: Christmas day was an eye opener, the fact that I can't even remember to plate the veg on the Christmas Dinner was a winner, and my family spent the rest of the day laughing at my expense. Although there is enough turkey to have a turkey curry buffet everyday for the next year!!

Family Tradition: Each year on Christmas Day our family goes to Church, however this year, my hangover took a turn for the worst and gagging at ‘Come all ye faithful’ was not one of my Mums proudest moments of her child to date.

Life changing decision: For two days of this festive period, I have managed to wear a pair of matching socks; I’m still deciding whether to take this challenge up for 2012? This could potentially change my life forever as we know it.

My favourite present: I didn’t do to badly in the present department this year. Ok, so I got a pack of 3 paired socks, and I didn’t get a pen with my name on it, however I did get a pack of wrist weights in my stocking (yes I still get a stocking, and no I’m not arsed what you think). So I have decided that I am going to test them out at the pub tonight!!

Hope everyone had a fab Christmas!

H&L Trading Team

I work for an online retail company, and work under the title Retail Trading Assistant in the H&L team. It stands for Home & Leisure.

Funnily enough...when competing in quiz's or winning awards, our team mysteriously gets signed 'Horny & Lonely'.

......need i say more?

Dear Santa...

Please could you deliver me a new liver ready for Boxing Day? I feel this year's hangover may be somewhat of a special one...

(Sing to the tune of '12 Days Of Christmas')

12 Double Vodkas
11 Bloody Marys
10 Cava Rose
9 Strawberry Shooters
8 Jammy Dodgers
7 Margaritas
6 Jagermeisters
5 SPICED MULLED WINES
4 Brandy Fish Bowls
3 Shirley Temples
2 Pink Champagnes

Aaaaaaaaand all of this on Christmas Daaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Also Mr C, if you wouldn'd mind dropping off a new man... I will leave you a nice mince pie out in return.

Yours faithfully,

Alice
xxxx

Idiots Guide

Tuesday 13th December 2011

Plan A: What should have happened!

6.30pm Body Combat

Okay, so not your most spontaneous of plans, but all the same the gym is screaming out mine and Stace's name!

Plan B: What really happened!

6.30pm Stace pics up Alice (Nessa) and we head to Pepes!

6.45pm Vodka is opened

12.30pm Vodka. Demolished.

Just a simple way to absolutely ruin your life. A way to think your about die or alternatively just have alcohol poisoning!!

40% spirit and a whole litre later...we were flat out, both having to get up for work in the morning, yet finding ourselves looking for the next adventure at the bottom of a vodka bottle!

Tomorrow, I'm talking to Frank.

Au revoir mudda fukkaaass

Chilli Challenge

It was worse than I thought. I opted to put on my 'hard' face and take it like a man, but the one taste of the awful, vile liquid and my face was falling off. I have a problem. I cannot back down on any dare. The stupider the better, and this was no different. This problem has a name...its called knobitus, and comes in many forms.

Chow. Alice....the knob

Work Christmas Party...

Needless to say you can pretty much guess what this post is going to be about. Although I can assure you that standing in the odd shoes of Alice, it will always be a different story. Never one to be normal, and this Christmas work night out, was definitely not to be any different.

A sophisticated meal, at one of Liverpool’s finest; Viva Brazil. After telling everyone all week that I was off for a Brazilian on Friday, not understanding the weird looks I was receiving, the night has finally arrived. I spent the majority of the day as a hyper mess, and the other pretending to do work. Getting drunk with people who you spend every single day with, will always be a night to remember... And this particular one was no different.

It’s always nice to look a bit different than you do in work, and compliments such as ‘Oo Alice, you do look like a girl sometimes’. Brilliant. And ‘Wonder how long you trying to be a girl will last tonight?’ Amazing. Two completely sarcastic compliments in the space of 90 seconds, yet at the same time, surprisingly flattering. I can safely tell you now, that the act of trying to be a girl lasted precisely 35 minutes and 40 seconds, until we arrived at the restaurant and the waiters brought out the sausage, and after a tequila and two cocktails I was already telling the poor attendant how much I love sausage.

With the drinks flowing, and my voice getting louder, it was no surprise that me and my friends were not on the same table as the managers, although I did make the mistake of sitting directly behind them. As some of my colleagues had decided to drive and not drink, I thought it would be economical to drink their drinks also and not let anything go to waste. You can see where this is going can’t you. I would also like to point out, that around this time it was approximately 6.15pm, and I was bladdered. The bill got called quickly after this. Can’t understand why? All we were doing was sticking serviettes on our heads and playing thumb wars with the miniature meat tongs. Although, looking back, it could have been the point when we got so involved in the game that a drink flew across the floor and made a massive bang, causing everyone to turn and see us with white serviettes placed on our heads like two wayward nuns.

The managers left after this, well accept mine. Hes more of a party animal and this is why our team, half the time are a little crazier than others. We next head down to the karaoke bar. THIS IS BRILLIANT. Were my exact thoughts. I had been wanting to show my team my err talent for quite a while. Although they are well aware of my vocals, from being a crackin’ duke box 24 hours a day J I got onto the mike, and right before the song began I quickly changed the song to ‘No scrubs’ absolute classic....if you’re a girl, my friend Stace always does it, and if she can then so can I?? Pitchy and tone deaf, I sang on. Like an absolute pleb.  My manager got up next to sing ‘Sweet Caroline’, and it was like a light bulb flicking on in my head....we can do a duet. It didn’t take much persuasion (after tequila)... Barbie Girl. It started off well until we realised that the screen was only showing the girls part, and my manager didn’t have a fucking clue. The next scene was like something off of the X Factor-ish. I stopped the song and quickly shouted to the DJ to stick on ‘Journey’. Outstanding. Couldn’t hit a single note with being tone deaf, and my manager was having a whale of a time. Night going well. So far.

We head down to Alma De Cuba, to find half of the corporation were dancing and drinking in this very bar. After a few more drinks, we were working the room. I remember telling each and every person the same bloody story about the serviettes, sausage and a thumb/tong game ending in disaster. I can’t half chat some shit when I’m drunk. After a massive blur, and one vague memory of grabbing a guy in my works arm as though it was the bar helping me to stand up, we decided to drag ourselves home as the pathetic hour of 1.15am. Tragic.

The next day was filled with many memories and flashbacks I wish I had not remembered. Here they are:

•       To the head of Electricals: ‘Why are you so miserable? Your young aren’t you? Oh yes your 31 and have got this far as you keep telling everyone. Why don’t you loosen up a little and remove that pole that’s shoved so far up your arse!’ Fuck.

•         ‘Please don’t tell anyone I told you that!’ Who to? Not a fucking clue. Why? Not so sure either.

This is all I have.

I am absolutely dreading Monday. Oh one more thing, Monday 4.30pm, at the brand teams desk, I have put myself forward for the chilli challenge. A cocktail sticks worth of a sauce which is 1,000,000 Scoville (hotter than a vindaloo). Yano easy peasy. Not shitting myself one bit. Nooo not at all.

Will write again next week. Thats if my dignity or my insides haven’t failed me by then!

Walking in a Wedding Wonderland

Sunday evening I attended the Wedding of two very special people, two people whom had been waiting a long time for their special day. As the night arrived, it got me thinking about my own Prince Charming, not the cartoon kind, riding in on his white horse with perfect hair, and a rose which you can practically smell from inside your TV, but the standard Joe Blog waiting to meet his erm...Princess Fiona. This is the first name that popped into my head, until I realised that it was the ugly ginger one from Shrek. Brilliant.

Arriving at the Wedding, although an intimate affair and more chance of pulling a muscle than a young bachelor, I still decided to give my face justice and try my hardest to look like a girl. Thinking I’d done a good job, I walked into the beautiful party with a spring in my step. It wasn’t long before I had spotted the bar, and felt a bit of Dutch courage wouldn’t go a miss to show all of these party people that in the words of Maroon 5...I got the moves like Jagger. After failing to show off any of my secret moves, I suddenly decide it’s time to bring the big guns out with non other than........THE CONGAAAAAAAAAA!! Doo doo doo, come on and do the conga.

Oh. Dear. Lord

The DJ never fails to recognise Uncle Knobhead at the party (being me), and after asking for my name (ok, yeh so I did think it meant he was hitting on me) then decided to let everyone know, that I was the person to thank for the God awful song. Not to mention standing on the Brides dress as we carelessly ran around the building. Swiftly moving on from this.

The gorgeous affair not only had a DJ for the later party, but began with a cute little orchestra, playing the country sounds, you know how it goes. The little old singer had everyone up, dancing round in partners, and as us single ladies do, take along our girl-friends. Oh Goody I thought a simple circle dance. It wasn’t long until I realised that well one of us had to be the boy in traditional country dancing. You guessed it, “Ladies to the left, Gentlemen to the right”. Fuck. Even this little old man can spot my boyish ways a mile off. I had been caught out and my plot to be a girl for the night had fallen, back to the drawing board for me. Ah well, it had to be an unlucky day, after all, I stood in dog shit that very morning.

Hopefully I will have more luck next time. And where the bloody hell is my Prince Charming???

Day in, day out, weight in weigh out.....

So Christmas is coming and the Goose is getting fat....

Christmas is coming and Alice is getting fat.

Thats better. Yes you guessed it, it's that time of year where I am squeeeeeezing into my favourite party dresses and just by looking at cakes is piling on the pounds.

Tonight I took the almighty step in attending fat fighters once again. The dreaded talk. The dreaded class. The dreaded weigh in. Not only am I 5lb heavier than when I originally joined but I am officially a.fat.fuck.

The class was filled with old and new faces. Old faces, still on the same weight but coming back week in week out with the same chubby disappointed faces on them. This time, I don't feel the motivation of getting back into it for a healthy lifestyle, I now feel like it is almost life or death. The shamu of the whale family. The T-Rex of the Dinosaur family. And finally that little round fat Christmas pudding of the cup cake family. There we go again thinking of food at every chance I get.

Little Betty still can't understand why after her 4 takeaways this week she has had a weight gain (good choices of course), GOOD CHOICES? What by leaving it in the container till it grows mouldy and not eating it at all?

My favourite moment tonight: I'm big boned. No lovely, your overweight.

My instructions to my friends: From now on they cannot refer to me by my name, but simply by the name 'Fatty' all the way up till Christmas. Anything else, they will not get a response. What will this bring you may ask? Well what do you think it will bloody bring...a cake? A McDonalds? A Subway? NO. Ok a few tears and tantrums waaaaaaah, but worth it in the end guys when I'm so skinny we will be walking down the street and I disappear....down the drain pipe. Not really an ideal goal, but my real goal? ... Is to lose a roll.

I'm gonna eat the shit out of those lettuce leaves.

Fat Alice x

Alice’s Fitness Routine

Please note: This routine provides great techniques for slow weight loss, sometimes weight gain and exercise which ensures you don’t endure any pain, what-so-ever.

The arms

This is mainly used within a public house environment or around the dinner table. Ensure that when eating, you take a tight grip of your cutlery, and get ready to flex. Whilst eating your dinner, the calories are just burning away and your arms are so tight, they will make Ollie Murs pants look loose. Same process at the pub. It’s best to use the same arm for the whole drink and when moving onto the next pint or what not, to change arms.

The legs

This one is a tad easier. It’s called the fridge walk. Pretty self explanatory. When feeling hungry, stand and walk to the fridge, when the food has been chosen, turn around and walk back to your destination. Sometimes, depending on how hungry you are, you may run to the fridge. It could also be the case that there is only one cream bun left, in this case, stretch before performing this exercise as an injury could occur depending on the speed at which you run. Although always remember that fridge pickers wear big knickers, in this case to carry on with your weight loss, just take your journey to the cupboard.

The bum

This one we will call the Beyonce. It is best to be performed to Sean Paul’s 'Get Busy'

“Shake that thing miss Kana Kana

Shake that thing miss Annabella

Shake that thing yan Donna Donna

Jodi and Rebecca”

Put both arms out in the oooo come here and give us a hug position, and start to shake. Shake the boobs, shake the bum, shake the head, arms and legs, just shake shake shake, if your brother walks in and calls you a knob, ignore him. Infact scrap that. Tell him that jealousy gets you nowhere in life, and he will always have a bum like a cheeky girl. Nonexistent.

Whether or not this gives you the perfect bum, who wants one of those anyway? Ok we all do. But I am telling you now, this dance will give you that sexy Beyonce feeling, one which you can take to the dance floor next time you’re out.

Never strain. Always refrain from anything strenuous and enjoy life. I call these my words of erm wisdom, or okay not wisdom but yano, having a good time without the worry.

So for anymore tips or advice just tweet me @girlinoddshoes always happy to help.