Day in, day out, weight in weigh out.....

So Christmas is coming and the Goose is getting fat....

Christmas is coming and Alice is getting fat.

Thats better. Yes you guessed it, it's that time of year where I am squeeeeeezing into my favourite party dresses and just by looking at cakes is piling on the pounds.

Tonight I took the almighty step in attending fat fighters once again. The dreaded talk. The dreaded class. The dreaded weigh in. Not only am I 5lb heavier than when I originally joined but I am officially a.fat.fuck.

The class was filled with old and new faces. Old faces, still on the same weight but coming back week in week out with the same chubby disappointed faces on them. This time, I don't feel the motivation of getting back into it for a healthy lifestyle, I now feel like it is almost life or death. The shamu of the whale family. The T-Rex of the Dinosaur family. And finally that little round fat Christmas pudding of the cup cake family. There we go again thinking of food at every chance I get.

Little Betty still can't understand why after her 4 takeaways this week she has had a weight gain (good choices of course), GOOD CHOICES? What by leaving it in the container till it grows mouldy and not eating it at all?

My favourite moment tonight: I'm big boned. No lovely, your overweight.

My instructions to my friends: From now on they cannot refer to me by my name, but simply by the name 'Fatty' all the way up till Christmas. Anything else, they will not get a response. What will this bring you may ask? Well what do you think it will bloody bring...a cake? A McDonalds? A Subway? NO. Ok a few tears and tantrums waaaaaaah, but worth it in the end guys when I'm so skinny we will be walking down the street and I disappear....down the drain pipe. Not really an ideal goal, but my real goal? ... Is to lose a roll.

I'm gonna eat the shit out of those lettuce leaves.

Fat Alice x

Alice’s Fitness Routine

Please note: This routine provides great techniques for slow weight loss, sometimes weight gain and exercise which ensures you don’t endure any pain, what-so-ever.

The arms

This is mainly used within a public house environment or around the dinner table. Ensure that when eating, you take a tight grip of your cutlery, and get ready to flex. Whilst eating your dinner, the calories are just burning away and your arms are so tight, they will make Ollie Murs pants look loose. Same process at the pub. It’s best to use the same arm for the whole drink and when moving onto the next pint or what not, to change arms.

The legs

This one is a tad easier. It’s called the fridge walk. Pretty self explanatory. When feeling hungry, stand and walk to the fridge, when the food has been chosen, turn around and walk back to your destination. Sometimes, depending on how hungry you are, you may run to the fridge. It could also be the case that there is only one cream bun left, in this case, stretch before performing this exercise as an injury could occur depending on the speed at which you run. Although always remember that fridge pickers wear big knickers, in this case to carry on with your weight loss, just take your journey to the cupboard.

The bum

This one we will call the Beyonce. It is best to be performed to Sean Paul’s 'Get Busy'

“Shake that thing miss Kana Kana

Shake that thing miss Annabella

Shake that thing yan Donna Donna

Jodi and Rebecca”

Put both arms out in the oooo come here and give us a hug position, and start to shake. Shake the boobs, shake the bum, shake the head, arms and legs, just shake shake shake, if your brother walks in and calls you a knob, ignore him. Infact scrap that. Tell him that jealousy gets you nowhere in life, and he will always have a bum like a cheeky girl. Nonexistent.

Whether or not this gives you the perfect bum, who wants one of those anyway? Ok we all do. But I am telling you now, this dance will give you that sexy Beyonce feeling, one which you can take to the dance floor next time you’re out.

Never strain. Always refrain from anything strenuous and enjoy life. I call these my words of erm wisdom, or okay not wisdom but yano, having a good time without the worry.

So for anymore tips or advice just tweet me @girlinoddshoes always happy to help.