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Tales and Quotes of Alice

So I have finally left my job, no more morning dirty talk, or endless games of would you rather. Obviously I was never going to leave quietly, and I left my leaving email in the capable hands of my friends the Wombat. After previously leaving this role once before to finish my final year at Uni, I know that she has been keeping note of all the stupid things I say or do, (this happens a lot). Please bare in mind this was sent to about 70 people including managers.

I thought I would share both parts with you. The first lot is from my placement year, and second from this time round....hope you enjoy.

Quotes and Tales of 2009 – 2010

“What’s Welsh Rarebit? Is it Cheesy pasta?”

When AB’s ring with requests she says to them “Why are you ruining my life?”

Her quote to pulling her mate one night “I’m drunk, you’ll do”. She now ignores his texts

The walk of shame. Lauren picked Alice up one morning and out came a lad with her as well. The morning after the night before!!!!!!!!

At Alice’s 21^st Birthday party there was a picture of her up on the screen on holiday, with the following writing: ‘I love co*k’

Referring to Dave’s Sports Direct mug - “Where did you get it?”

Alice arranged to go to the Chinese Karaoke for her leaving night. She asked “Do we have to sing in Chinese?”

22^nd June. Alice’s Facebook status “Comp Shops are ruining my life!!!!"

Referring to Martin’s 10 peaks in the Lake District “Is it in abroad?"

Ben Nevis Mountain “Did he name it after himself?”

22^nd June - “This weather is ruining my life”

One of Alice’s many chat up lines……. “Is that a mirror in your pocket. I see myself in your pants”

“I thought the Lake District was a forest”

Someone’s mobile phone received a text. Alice quote “Was that Morse code?”

Alice has been working away for weeks collating info on our work and milestones. She’s since found out that she didn’t actually have to do it for her Uni coursework. She told me that she’s found out it’s not “Compulsive” Ha ha, obviously meaning ‘Compulsory’

“Is a Circumcism like a Baptism?”

“My desk hates me this week”

“Where’s Portugal? Is it in Wales?”

“Bonjourno”  This is how Alice answers the phone to people. We don’t actually know what language this is and neither does she.

Stu asked “Where’s Jenny B, she’s in file I need to get in to” Alice’s reply “ She’s on a couch”     ???????????????

You can often hear Alice singing at her desk. It’s not a song but an E-Mail that she’s received.

Quotes and Tales 2011 – 2012

Mark to Alice “You know you were talking about Uggs earlier” - Alice to Mark “What Genetalia?”

Is Wembley a city?

Alice was looking at the Very site to buy herself some jeans “Is Boot cut coz I’ve got a bootie?

Re ‘Secret Santa’ “Do we put our names on the presents?”

Celebrity Big Brother had just started and Natalie Cassidy (Sonia from Eastenders) had to pretend that she’d done a Sex tape. I was talking to her about it and she looked deep in shock with her mouth wide open “Oh my god Shell I never ever knew you’d done a sex tape”

Re Dale Farm Gypsy camp – We were talking about Gypsies. Alice quote “Why don’t they just travel because they’re travellers”

We were talking about where we’ve been on our hols “Sardinia isn’t that a fish?” – “No Alice that’s a Sardine”

25/11/11 – “Everybody George Best has died” – Yeah Alice that happened last year!

(Stu was doing Movember) “Stu you look like Rolf like that” – “Who’s Rolf Alice?” “Rolf Hitler” – “No Alice.  Adolph Hitler”

Is Ethiopia a disease?

11^th July – Someone was at our desks talking to us. I told Alice that she was sitting with her legs wide open and that I could see her white knickers. So she looked up her skirt to check what colour they were, not to close her legs!!!!

“Do you think teabags smell like horse manure Shell?” Alice then asked everyone to smell her teabag, and said ‘It smells like Horse food” “Does anyone own a horse”

“What day is Wednesday?”

Someone was referring to a joke about Rastafarians “What’s a Rastafarian is it like a gypsy?”

(Dave put Alice’s glasses on) “You look like Gary Kibble” “Who’s Gary Kibble? Should I Google him?” (He works with us)

One hungover Friday Alice was on the phone to a Buyer and I heard her say “This is really a lot of information for me to ingest” (No digest Alice)

Alice was eating Pistachio nuts and asked “Do nuts bleed?”

Stephen Jobs had died. Alice was confused over something about an Apple product so as a laugh someone said “Ask Steve Jobs” She actually looked on her phone directory for him.

14/02/12 “I think I’ve got heat rash on my nose - Can you get heat rash in February”

Alistair was going to Karaoke for his birthday. Alice said to him “Does Ben like you marinating him” – Do you mean serenading?

We were chatting in the tea room and someone said “It’s Groundhog Day”, Alice “Oh my god I’ve never ever heard of ‘Ground-Dog’ Day”

14/02/12 – “I’ve asked my mates to get me a globe – But I want a round one”

“What’s adolescence? It sounds like an insult. I’ve well been called that by my mum”

12/01/12 – “OMG (Online Merchandising) is making me talk to myself”

“Can anyone make a petition” – “Yes Alice, what do you want to protest about?”, “To make Harry Potter real”

16/01/12 – “I think I’ve got a disorder Shell, when I’m in bed at night I have to make sure that all my Electrical devices are next to me. I woke up at the weekend in a sweat coz my phone, battery and charger weren’t in a line”

“Is lentils beef?”

“My mouth tastes like an onion raspberry”

As Alice was eating a bag of grapes “I don’t understand why I’m not drinking wine right now eating these”

“Mrs M, Mrs I, Mrs S,S,I, Mrs C, Mrs U, Mrs L,T,Y”    Well done Alice, you just spelt Missiculty. (Difficulty and Mississippi)

Alice has given up Bread for lent, however any other form of dough has been consumed:

Bread Sticks
Doughnuts
Potatoe Cakes
Crackers
Pizza
Wraps

I was telling Alice about a book I’m reading, so she goes “Oh Shell do you want to lend my erratic books, they’re really good”  I always know what words she’s really trying to say “D’ya mean errotic?” ha ha ha!

So there you have it, believe it or not I got a 1st Honors at University. Rumor has it I performed sexual favors to receive this, I am shooting this myth down right here right now. Although the above is not going to convince you very well.

Think I am going to have to swallow a book of common sense before I start my new job.

Alice: Thick as shit