Day in, day out, weight in weigh out.....

So Christmas is coming and the Goose is getting fat....

Christmas is coming and Alice is getting fat.

Thats better. Yes you guessed it, it's that time of year where I am squeeeeeezing into my favourite party dresses and just by looking at cakes is piling on the pounds.

Tonight I took the almighty step in attending fat fighters once again. The dreaded talk. The dreaded class. The dreaded weigh in. Not only am I 5lb heavier than when I originally joined but I am officially a.fat.fuck.

The class was filled with old and new faces. Old faces, still on the same weight but coming back week in week out with the same chubby disappointed faces on them. This time, I don't feel the motivation of getting back into it for a healthy lifestyle, I now feel like it is almost life or death. The shamu of the whale family. The T-Rex of the Dinosaur family. And finally that little round fat Christmas pudding of the cup cake family. There we go again thinking of food at every chance I get.

Little Betty still can't understand why after her 4 takeaways this week she has had a weight gain (good choices of course), GOOD CHOICES? What by leaving it in the container till it grows mouldy and not eating it at all?

My favourite moment tonight: I'm big boned. No lovely, your overweight.

My instructions to my friends: From now on they cannot refer to me by my name, but simply by the name 'Fatty' all the way up till Christmas. Anything else, they will not get a response. What will this bring you may ask? Well what do you think it will bloody bring...a cake? A McDonalds? A Subway? NO. Ok a few tears and tantrums waaaaaaah, but worth it in the end guys when I'm so skinny we will be walking down the street and I disappear....down the drain pipe. Not really an ideal goal, but my real goal? ... Is to lose a roll.

I'm gonna eat the shit out of those lettuce leaves.

Fat Alice x

Fat Fighters

Pants poppin, tops rippin, sex stoppin. There is only one thing for it...DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN....

Yo getting fat!

After finishing Uni and countless times of ordering take aways, not only had I Graduated, I had also Graduated as McDonalds most loyal customer. Starting to look like a beach whale, and 75 curries later, it was definitely time for a change, a large change. When your nephew mistakes you for Sonia Jackson (Eastenders) on the TV you know it’s really bad!

I decided to join Slimming World, and as everyone does had the upmost enthusiasm in the first week. I could almost smell the success.  My first weigh in...WTF...literally 2 stone heavier than ok, well I’ve pretended to be for the past 3 years. I blame the arse, as I can’t actually see how much it is growing and growing and growing.

The first week back and my first weight loss...BRUCEY BONUS. I am definitely celebrating with a take away and glass of wine. If you are raising your eyebrows right now...it’s not confession. Put your opinions back in the box.

My favourite part is when the weight loss/gain is announced amongst the group and the leader says in the most patronising way imaginable... ‘so where do you think you went wrong?’

Oh I don’t fucking know...the age of 6?

The best excuse I heard whilst going – ‘I’ve been really ill this week, I think I’ve been sucking on too many lozenges’ - Don’t lie love, you ate too many doughnuts, and don’t want to admit it.

 Theres always one stuck up cow who loses 7lbs and its still not good enough.  ‘Judie has lost 4lbs this week. Well done!!!’ *Cue the applause* ‘Well actually I went to the gym everyday so I thought I would lose more’, that’s it bitch, make all the tubbies feel even shitter about their 1lb weight gain. Skinny twat.

My other favourite story from Fat Fighters is the daunting question again...’So where did you think you went wrong’, with the answer....

‘Well I don’t know really, I’ve only eaten 4 packets of crisps, 7 McDonalds, 3 Doughnuts, 8 sandwiches, 30 biscuits, 5 curries, 2 buffets and 9 fry ups, and I don’t know where I’m going wrong?’ Yeh me neither?!?! Her exercise consisted of walking to the fridge and back on her ass.

One day I will be skinny. And that very day I’m gona eat what I want.