Cheeky Alice

I definitely feel I was this inspiration behind this perfume. 

They have even used my red hair. Pfft.

Guide On: How to make an absolute arse of yourself on the train: Part 2

Disaster No 2

During another week of having to fend for myself, it was a nice peaceful morning on the train to Liverpool and as I sit peacefully with my earphones in, my mind is wandering everywhere. Bit of Guetta, bit of Dub, bit of Adele. Quite the range for a Monday morning.

Stopping at Liverpool Central the usual stop where 95% of the train depart, I look out the window at a guy sat on the platform bench, OBVIOUSLY i think he is staring at me, but this time I think he really was. I look away. Don't want to look too desperate. I looked back, he was laughing. Shit he caught me. He knows my game. But he was REALLY laughing. I turn back to see him patting the girl next to him and she starts howling too. Surely it can't be me? I look back to see what they must be laughing at in the carriage. Fuck. There wasn't anyone there????

I start to gather my things to leave? Don't know where or why I was leaving but I needed to move away from this window. Suddenly the train driver barges through. "OH MY GOD, thank God I checked this carriage, this train is out of service love, I am gonna have to let you off, all the carriages are locked."

Oh. Dear. Lord.

Not going to lie, if I saw me sat on the train after everyone had evacuated to the platform I would be laughing a lot too. I didn't even try and have a joke with anyone about it. I looked down at my phone, no eye contact could be made and pretended like all the doors didn't have to be opened for me to step onto a platform of smug faced scousers.

Alice. Pretty much the norm these days.

Guide On: How to make an absolute arse of yourself on the train: Part 1

Disaster No1


It was a late Thursday afternoon, and my car share was off on her jollies for the week, leaving me to fend for myself, i.e. Get the train to and from work. A simple task you may think. Think again.

My day MUST have been hard, and an overuse of the ole brain had taken place leaving me exhausted. A little sleep wouldn't hurt right?!

A few minutes later (in my eyes) actually 55 minutes and 43 seconds of snoring and I am being woken by a loud 'AHEM' quick wipe of the dribble and I shoot straight up to find the train wardens surrounding me.

"Excuse me love, are you aware of the Act 4598984629038545345 set before even Dinosaurs existed of putting your feet up on the train" Ok, so I made the figures up, but surprisingly to some I hadn't read the train guidelines before I set off on my journey. "I'm really sorry I didn't know about the act" - Major sucking up Act 1,234 of the Alice law. I knew this wasn't going to wash. I could tell by his screwed up expression, his mate felt sorry for me, but I didn't even get chance to give him the puppy dog eyes before Mr Screw Face had whipped out his notepad from his jacket. A very dirty jacket may I add.

After taking all my details and me giving my excuse that I had been on my feet all day. FAT LIE. I was definitely sat on my arse, at my desk, all day. I was given a fine. £50. Two nights out in my eyes. WTF?? It doesn't end here. I might have accidently misplaced the letter resulting in two follow up letters 'getting lost', then followed by a summons to court. Absolutely fabulous. I am now a criminal.

Along with my summons to court I received a copy of the details and statement he took on the day of the 'criminal offence'. Scrolling across the details, hardly your typical criminal description, Pink Hoody, Converse, Jeans, I stumbled across the category Style: (in his dirty doctor writing) Strange. Fucking strange. I may have wardrobe mishaps and malfunctions but its not bloody strange. I have asked people to take a look and their laughter became the confirmation. Fantastic.

Alice. Style: Strange

Holiday Packing

So the title of this is going to make you jealous, until you read on. I'm not yet jet setting to a hot Country, although I am sat here prepping with my friends about where we will go. My happiness is cut short when one of my friends reminds me of my holiday trauma, something I seem to repeat every year.

Packing, the fucking, suitcase. So everyone knows its a ball ache, but if you were standing in my odd shoes, you would see how easy you have it. Not only do I pack it 3 times myself, but my mum, friends, and dog also pack it again for me. Although sometimes when they are 'unpacking' it, they spoil all my fun by removing the necessary items.

• Water pistol
• False teeth
• 6 razors (only 1 is needed apparently)
• My entire make-up collection since 1995
• Bangles. Every God damn colour, because obviously being a girl, that's what they do! I try an make an extra girl related effort

Once lighter, I begin to lift... and realise I've packed a baby elephant.

But never-the-less I think I can get away with it. I try an convince my friends that, because I am fatter, I have more material in my case, therefore I have permission to have a heavier suitcase. Have I convinced you yet?

On arrival at the airport, I automatically think I am getting taken into a room and put under observation for the law against overweight suitcases. You think this may sound daft, but I have dreamt up arrests like you wouldn't imagine. Although they always end up with me being handcuffed. Obviously not a story for the dinner table.

Anyway, where were we? So approaching the conveyor belt, every year I try the same tactic if I throw it on quickly...it will be lighter (same process with weigh-in at fat club). Now writing this down, I can see how fucking stupid this idea is. ONCE AGAIN THE HEAVY STICKER IS SLAPPED ON MY CASE. Screw you easy jet. I have a disability (podgy). 

The Ultimate To Do List - Part 3

20. VEGAS — Everyone should hit Vegas at least once before they turn 30.

I hope to experience something like the Hangover. Although every night at Uni was like that, or worse.

I will however make a trip, if by the age of 60, I am still fat and single, to get a quick Vegas marriage held by marrymequick.com and marry the first Hill Billy I can find.

21. DRIVE YOUR DREAM CAR

Duuuude, I seriously need to pass my test, otherwise I’m going to forever drive the parents Meriva, with a massive L slapped on the front.

22. BE NICE 

This is too difficult to achieve. Especially when I am so perfect. Its very hard to find anyone else that is on my level, and doesn’t irritate the fuck outta me.

23. JUMP — At 216 meters off the ground, the Bloukrans Bridge bungee jump in South Africa is the highest bungee jump in the world.  

No. No. Fuck no. Hell no. Definitely not. Never. Non. No no NO!!!!!!!!! I’m not suicidal, just single.

24. LEARN TO DANCE

Ha, I’ve got moves you’ve never even seen. I put Michael Jackson to shame. Although my impression of his moon walk and finishing with touching his crotch, looks more like I am trying to pleasure myself. Fail.

25. TRY THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE 

Once, I won a £50 bottle of champagne in work. I swigged it from the bottle of course J

26. BUY THE HOUSE A ROUND

Romeo Dunn. There are only 5 of us who live in my house, two who drink, including myself. The alcoholic. 

27. PAY TRIBUTE TO THE GODS OF ROCK AND ROLL

Not really interested. Sorry. Although I will quite happily attend a rave with some of the greatest DJs in the world.

28. RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER 

Love to go for a ride!!!

29. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Most of the time I don’t really have a choice. Stepping in dog shit and wearing odd shoes to work – I wouldn’t exactly call this ‘Comfortable’.

30. GET A TATTOO —three rules for getting a tattoo. 
1. Make sure that whatever you’re going to get tattooed is something that you put a lot of thought into.

2. It's one thing to get your kid’s name tattooed, but remember tattoos last a lot longer than romance.

3. Don’t get tattooed for anyone else, get tattooed for you.

Phewf. Started to get a sweaty brow whilst reading this, but thankfully my Tattoo does not come under any of these categories:
Bladdered, in Benidorm and 17 years of age. Not to mention that the location is right next to the nether regions.

The Ultimate To Do List - Part 2

11. PARTY WITH THE BEST IN THE WORLD — Want to really party?  Try one of these locations:

Ibiza, Spain
Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany
Carnival in Rio, Brazil
Miami, USA

I will definitely without a shadow of a doubt be going wild in Ibiza very soon! Just try and stop me. Wiiiiiillllllldddddd!!

12. AVOID LOOKING OLD — We suggest the following tips for keeping that youthful glow.
1. Plenty of water inside and outside.

2. For men, keep your weapons sharp and clean.  A blunt razor will rip clumps of skin off your face and speed up the aging process. 

3. Give your skin regular pampering.

Obviously like me, you starting reading number two thinking that the guy needs to keep his penis sharp and clean in order to keep young …. Thought so.

13. BECOME A WINE BUFF — Here are three rules to ordering wine:

1. Your wine should normally match your meal.  Remember, white goes with light.  This means if you’re eating light flavors like chicken or fish, go for the white wine. Red goes with dark, so always pair red wine with red meat and highly spiced foods.

2. Get the right temperature. Keep white wine in the refrigerator and keep red wine at room temperature. Pink wine should be cold and sparkling wine even colder.

3. Like what you drink and drink what you like.

So here are my three rules to drinking wine…

1.      Only ever have the one glass – just keep topping it up. No-one will ever know you’re bladdered. That’s unless you start dancing on tables and showing your boobs. That’s what my friend told me she does.

2.      It doesn’t need to match your meal, just your purse. 3 for £10 at Tesco are usually a gooden. It might taste like piss, but who’s complaining at £3.33 a bottle.

3.      Never regret what you do when you’re drunk, it’s the entire wines fault. Everyone knows this.

14. TAKE A ROAD TRIP — The road trip is the only way to really experience all that our vast country has to offer. 

So last time I did this, we ended up getting lost on our way back from Sunderland, and landed in a field with a load of sheep. I tried to chase one, stood in some droppings and then we got chased off the land with a farmer and his gun. Amazing.

15. LEARN HOW TO COOK

I am officially getting better. I, like every other person has had my fair share of disasters, like burning beans and putting the grill tray into the oven, and closing the door, causing my halls to be evacuated.

16. BUY YOUR FAVORITE ARCADE GAME 

As I keep reminding everyone, I really am not a boy.

17. VISIT FAMOUS FICTIONAL LOCATIONS OR CELEBRITY WATCH 

I’m a bit of a fruit when it comes to celebrities. I get star struck even with Z listers. For instance, when Sam one half of Samanda from Big Brother came into M&S when I worked there, I dropped her soup on the floor and dropped the card machine on her foot. Smooth. I think I will watch in the distance. Oh did I mention I have stood on Gerrard’s toe also. Walking Disaster.

18. COME FACE TO FACE WITH MOTHER NATURE —  It’s dangerous, risky, and sometimes deadly but if you want to look Mother Nature straight in the eye, then storm chasing has got to be on the list.

Dudes, I’m British, we complain if there is dribble of rain. I’m definitely not going to look at ways to kill myself.

19. ROCK ‘TIL YOU DROP — The music that you love during your younger years is the music that you’ll love forever. Crowd Surfing is a great way to share your love with the rest of the crowd. It’s also a great way to get the best view of your favorite band.

Croatia’10 – Our first night at the Hideout Festival, and me and my dwarf friends headed straight for the mosher pit, we never saw the drink we bought or the act, we just jumped everywhere care free. Brave little soldiers we were.

The Ultimate To Do List - Part 1

1.  FIGURE OUT HOW TO GROW UP, NOT OLD — Each day should be an adventure where you do something different, learn something new and experience anything life throws at you.

Well, I can definitely say I am doing this every single day. If I’m not getting shit on by a bird, I’m going to work with odd shoes. I’d say something I’ve learnt today – never wear jean, jumper, pump and satchel combination, you will only look like a skater boy. Not girl. Boy.

2. PUSH YOURSELF  —  Test yourself by entering one of these world famous competitions:
The London marathon is the largest modern race in the world, so join the 40,000 other runners and see if you can go the 26.2 mile distance.

So I kinda see this like I see lent. Never in a million years would I be able to run a marathon. I can barely run up the stairs without passing out. For Lent I try and trick myself into choosing something I really don’t mind to give up. Sprouts or running. So with the same method, I can see myself pretending I’ve really pushed myself into doing something. Although once, I was about 7, I entered world’s (Haven’s) strongest boy (I was the only girl on stage) my mum obviously thought it was sexist, or was beginning to think I really was a boy. All we had to do was bend and flex into a pose. Only went and bloody won it. Haven 96’, those were the days.

3. QUIT A JOB YOU HATE

I’m trying

4. DESTROY SOMETHING BIG WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE 

I have decided for this one, I would like to destroy my ex-boyfriends huge ego. Pretty much the only thing that was big.

5. BACKPACK — Traveling the world, broadening your mind, and generally having the best holiday of your life is what backpacking is all about. 

I definitely want to Travel the world at some point in my life. Although I am very worried for myself. I used to think that Portugal was in Wales, and was very shocked to learn that Rome, is in fact, not a country. Noo. Not even a little bit.

I am also worried about the whole bag situation. My mum calls me the bag lady, and I have been known to take 5 bags to my friends to stay over for 1 night. Imagine for a year!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SINK OR SWIM  — Get up close and personal with the largest, most deadly, most intelligent, and the most colorful creatures in the sea.

Ching ching ching. Done this bad boy. Florida 2004, in Typhoon Lagoon, me, my best friend and my older brother swam with sharks. Although we were given strict instructions not to splash about with our hands and feet, so shit myself when I turned to see my brother doing some crazy swimming towards us. I told him to look down and enjoy it whilst he could, but he just said he was too busy shitting himself.

7. PLAY HOOKY AND DO SOMETHING FUN

Just incase any potential employees ever read this, you can count on me never to do it!!!!!!

Although once I skipped class in college to snog a boy at the bike sheds. Cliché I know, but very true.

 8. PUSH YOUR LIMITS.

Once again same as Number 2. Although I do want to skydive one day, but I am afraid of flying and heights. I’m basically fucked.

9. MASTER THE WEDDING TOAST  — Chances are you will be asked to give a wedding toast before you turn 30, but make sure you've actually mastered it before the big event.

Now I know this is going to happen. I’ve got one friend engaged, and two potential. And whether they like it or not, I’m like Uncle Knobhead at a party and will grab the mic at any chance I get. Already Mastered.

10. EAT SOMETHING CRAZY 

Funnily enough this occurred today. My brother is in year 10 at school and studying Home Economics, and being the kind family that we are, trial everything he brings home. This week. Fishcakes. So I am out for tea on the night everyone has them, never the less my mums slaps it in my lunch box for work. Oh dear lord. I opened the lid at lunch and the smell hit me so hard in the face, and when I turned to look next to me, my colleagues were gagging. Brilliant. I am going to be known as the fishy one. Always a good reputation to have. Not to mention all the bones I found it the two bites I had. Bin. I will be having words later, my brother actually tried to kill me. But failed. Although he has bruised my work ego.

Just a normal Friday in the shoes of Alice

As I reflect on Fridays events, it doesn’t take long for me to laugh out loud at myself, and the sorry excuse for a lady I am.

I happen to decide to try my hand at a sales job, and of course, they definitely sold me the job. In my head I was making £345,383,665.10 a week, and pound signs were constantly spinning round my chubby face. I was blinded by the fact I had passed an interview and Friday, was my trial day.

I got up feeling anxious, but excited. Took me about 3 days to straighten my curly wig, and for the first time since, erm, infact ever… I ironed my dress. I was officially growing up.

On arrival I was greeted by a happy clappy kind of girl, but all in all seemed nice, and I was glad I was teamed with her for the day. We began by getting taught a bit of the basics…. We were selling insulation. Not insulin as I go on to call it, a door to door drug dealer in the making! I was wondering why my friends could not understand why I was going to be selling a diabetics’ drug door to door.

So after a half hour talk about the benefits of Direct Marketing and a diagram like so…….

….my head was officially baffled. Although I managed to keep my overly enthusiastic, almost fake smile smacked on my face.

We were ready to go into the field. Although I wish they didn’t keep harpering on about the field business, as I was becoming convinced that I was Jack Bauer about to go into the field, on a mission to save the world. Instead, a very wet ride to Preston to knock on possibly the worst council state I will ever encounter.

First ten minutes: I stand in dog shit!!!!! Smashing. Shoes go straight for the bin. Luckily the girl I was with could lend me her spare boots.

Let me show you how this looked….

Raging lesbian. Again.

6 hours I walked round with hideous size 8 things on my feet. My hair, after non stop rain, became an actual afro. I wanted to shoot myself, and get it over with.

Worst. Day. Ever

Next time, not only am I going to read the job spec properly, I’m also going to avoid sales at every single cost.

Alice. Still a walking disaster. And shoeless once again.

Hangover No 487,502,350,570,540,817,345,100

So Friday the 13^th got off with a bang, and I find myself sat at my desk with quite a delicate hangover, and a few 5ps left in my purse. Thought a quick post would be appropriate for my outlook on today. (Not that I can see without an alcohol gaze across my pupils).

As I approach 23 I realise I have nothing to show for it, but a dead end job and an empty purse. However, I have come to the conclusion, whilst sat looking at my diary for the next year, that if I die next week of any of the following, liver failure, sore feet, or dry mouth, I will know that I have lived my 22 years like an animal.

Also, I am meant to be going out tonight?? Don’t think it will ever end.

As time goes on, my Facebook feed is filled with engagements, weddings and baby drivel, but take a look at any of my nearest and dearest we pride ourselves in telling the world how were ‘Bladdered’, then ‘Hung-over’, Bladdered. Hung-over. Bladdered. And so on and so forth.

I am beginning to think that I will never grow up, settle down or set my status as ‘Oo baby Mitch did his first trump today.’ Well bloody done Mitchy.

Talk to ya Tomorrow….when I’m hungover.

Alcoholic Alice x

Midnight Brew (Copyright - Richard Mate)

Hopefully the song I am going to release in 2012.

Please sing to the sound of Mystique - One Night Stand.

"Get up, Get up it’s a Midnight Brew,

Here I come again with my late night crew!

We got to stir the coffee as its whirls around, whirl around, we gotta pay a pound

A m m midnight is coming round again, love of the coffee inside your cup stain.

Midnights here again, come its not time for earl grey!"

MIDNIGHT BREW OOOOO

Don't worry if you don't get it. Neither do I.

Alice Baby x

New Years Resolutions

Don’t think I have quite recovered from the festivities yet, but thought it was about time I shared my NYR. They aren’t really that hard to think of, I use the same ones every year.

• New job
• New man – standard
• Give up alcohol, smoking and eating. At all.

Although, I’m not keeping my hopes up for 2012, it’s meant to be the end. Until then I can keep being an alcoholic, sexaholic (try) and extreme drama Queen, until told not to.

On reflection of last year, I have nothing to say but, SCREW YOU 2011. You brought me a whole 6lb heavier, celibacy and absolutely nothing to shout about. This year maybe you could at least fulfil any of the above, so that I don’t grow an old sarcastic spinster with 7 cats. Or even better all of the below.

2012 Wish list

• 73 stone weight loss
• A voucher for Specsavers – no more beer goggles
• An allergy to alcohol – prevents liver failure and many a bruised ego
• New job – something I don’t want to stick needles in my eyes would be fine
• A voice that sounds as amazing as I do in the shower
• A loan for £456,459,345.00 to clear my debts
• A need to take more care of my monobrow – just realised its not a great look
• Stop being a sarcastic bitch
• Finally, the most important of all, act like a lady. Not a lager lout, ladette or little boy, a young lady who does not wish everyone to look upon her as a lesbian.

All the best for 2012, may it be as interesting as I know mine will be.

Lady Alice x

Christmasss Time, Mistletoe and Wine, and beer, vodka, tequila, rum and ginnnn!

To say my body hates me, is an absolute understatement.

This Christmas has been one big blur merged into one big glass of vodka. Some may call me an alcoholic, others simply see it as having a bloody good time.

Christmas 2011 Highlights:

Christmas Dinner: Christmas day was an eye opener, the fact that I can't even remember to plate the veg on the Christmas Dinner was a winner, and my family spent the rest of the day laughing at my expense. Although there is enough turkey to have a turkey curry buffet everyday for the next year!!

Family Tradition: Each year on Christmas Day our family goes to Church, however this year, my hangover took a turn for the worst and gagging at ‘Come all ye faithful’ was not one of my Mums proudest moments of her child to date.

Life changing decision: For two days of this festive period, I have managed to wear a pair of matching socks; I’m still deciding whether to take this challenge up for 2012? This could potentially change my life forever as we know it.

My favourite present: I didn’t do to badly in the present department this year. Ok, so I got a pack of 3 paired socks, and I didn’t get a pen with my name on it, however I did get a pack of wrist weights in my stocking (yes I still get a stocking, and no I’m not arsed what you think). So I have decided that I am going to test them out at the pub tonight!!

Hope everyone had a fab Christmas!

H&L Trading Team

I work for an online retail company, and work under the title Retail Trading Assistant in the H&L team. It stands for Home & Leisure.

Funnily enough...when competing in quiz's or winning awards, our team mysteriously gets signed 'Horny & Lonely'.

......need i say more?

Dear Santa...

Please could you deliver me a new liver ready for Boxing Day? I feel this year's hangover may be somewhat of a special one...

(Sing to the tune of '12 Days Of Christmas')

12 Double Vodkas
11 Bloody Marys
10 Cava Rose
9 Strawberry Shooters
8 Jammy Dodgers
7 Margaritas
6 Jagermeisters
5 SPICED MULLED WINES
4 Brandy Fish Bowls
3 Shirley Temples
2 Pink Champagnes

Aaaaaaaaand all of this on Christmas Daaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Also Mr C, if you wouldn'd mind dropping off a new man... I will leave you a nice mince pie out in return.

Yours faithfully,

Alice
xxxx

Idiots Guide

Tuesday 13th December 2011

Plan A: What should have happened!

6.30pm Body Combat

Okay, so not your most spontaneous of plans, but all the same the gym is screaming out mine and Stace's name!

Plan B: What really happened!

6.30pm Stace pics up Alice (Nessa) and we head to Pepes!

6.45pm Vodka is opened

12.30pm Vodka. Demolished.

Just a simple way to absolutely ruin your life. A way to think your about die or alternatively just have alcohol poisoning!!

40% spirit and a whole litre later...we were flat out, both having to get up for work in the morning, yet finding ourselves looking for the next adventure at the bottom of a vodka bottle!

Tomorrow, I'm talking to Frank.

Au revoir mudda fukkaaass