Walking in a Wedding Wonderland

Sunday evening I attended the Wedding of two very special people, two people whom had been waiting a long time for their special day. As the night arrived, it got me thinking about my own Prince Charming, not the cartoon kind, riding in on his white horse with perfect hair, and a rose which you can practically smell from inside your TV, but the standard Joe Blog waiting to meet his erm...Princess Fiona. This is the first name that popped into my head, until I realised that it was the ugly ginger one from Shrek. Brilliant.

Arriving at the Wedding, although an intimate affair and more chance of pulling a muscle than a young bachelor, I still decided to give my face justice and try my hardest to look like a girl. Thinking I’d done a good job, I walked into the beautiful party with a spring in my step. It wasn’t long before I had spotted the bar, and felt a bit of Dutch courage wouldn’t go a miss to show all of these party people that in the words of Maroon 5...I got the moves like Jagger. After failing to show off any of my secret moves, I suddenly decide it’s time to bring the big guns out with non other than........THE CONGAAAAAAAAAA!! Doo doo doo, come on and do the conga.

Oh. Dear. Lord

The DJ never fails to recognise Uncle Knobhead at the party (being me), and after asking for my name (ok, yeh so I did think it meant he was hitting on me) then decided to let everyone know, that I was the person to thank for the God awful song. Not to mention standing on the Brides dress as we carelessly ran around the building. Swiftly moving on from this.

The gorgeous affair not only had a DJ for the later party, but began with a cute little orchestra, playing the country sounds, you know how it goes. The little old singer had everyone up, dancing round in partners, and as us single ladies do, take along our girl-friends. Oh Goody I thought a simple circle dance. It wasn’t long until I realised that well one of us had to be the boy in traditional country dancing. You guessed it, “Ladies to the left, Gentlemen to the right”. Fuck. Even this little old man can spot my boyish ways a mile off. I had been caught out and my plot to be a girl for the night had fallen, back to the drawing board for me. Ah well, it had to be an unlucky day, after all, I stood in dog shit that very morning.

Hopefully I will have more luck next time. And where the bloody hell is my Prince Charming???

Day in, day out, weight in weigh out.....

So Christmas is coming and the Goose is getting fat....

Christmas is coming and Alice is getting fat.

Thats better. Yes you guessed it, it's that time of year where I am squeeeeeezing into my favourite party dresses and just by looking at cakes is piling on the pounds.

Tonight I took the almighty step in attending fat fighters once again. The dreaded talk. The dreaded class. The dreaded weigh in. Not only am I 5lb heavier than when I originally joined but I am officially a.fat.fuck.

The class was filled with old and new faces. Old faces, still on the same weight but coming back week in week out with the same chubby disappointed faces on them. This time, I don't feel the motivation of getting back into it for a healthy lifestyle, I now feel like it is almost life or death. The shamu of the whale family. The T-Rex of the Dinosaur family. And finally that little round fat Christmas pudding of the cup cake family. There we go again thinking of food at every chance I get.

Little Betty still can't understand why after her 4 takeaways this week she has had a weight gain (good choices of course), GOOD CHOICES? What by leaving it in the container till it grows mouldy and not eating it at all?

My favourite moment tonight: I'm big boned. No lovely, your overweight.

My instructions to my friends: From now on they cannot refer to me by my name, but simply by the name 'Fatty' all the way up till Christmas. Anything else, they will not get a response. What will this bring you may ask? Well what do you think it will bloody bring...a cake? A McDonalds? A Subway? NO. Ok a few tears and tantrums waaaaaaah, but worth it in the end guys when I'm so skinny we will be walking down the street and I disappear....down the drain pipe. Not really an ideal goal, but my real goal? ... Is to lose a roll.

I'm gonna eat the shit out of those lettuce leaves.

Fat Alice x

Alice’s Fitness Routine

Please note: This routine provides great techniques for slow weight loss, sometimes weight gain and exercise which ensures you don’t endure any pain, what-so-ever.

The arms

This is mainly used within a public house environment or around the dinner table. Ensure that when eating, you take a tight grip of your cutlery, and get ready to flex. Whilst eating your dinner, the calories are just burning away and your arms are so tight, they will make Ollie Murs pants look loose. Same process at the pub. It’s best to use the same arm for the whole drink and when moving onto the next pint or what not, to change arms.

The legs

This one is a tad easier. It’s called the fridge walk. Pretty self explanatory. When feeling hungry, stand and walk to the fridge, when the food has been chosen, turn around and walk back to your destination. Sometimes, depending on how hungry you are, you may run to the fridge. It could also be the case that there is only one cream bun left, in this case, stretch before performing this exercise as an injury could occur depending on the speed at which you run. Although always remember that fridge pickers wear big knickers, in this case to carry on with your weight loss, just take your journey to the cupboard.

The bum

This one we will call the Beyonce. It is best to be performed to Sean Paul’s 'Get Busy'

“Shake that thing miss Kana Kana

Shake that thing miss Annabella

Shake that thing yan Donna Donna

Jodi and Rebecca”

Put both arms out in the oooo come here and give us a hug position, and start to shake. Shake the boobs, shake the bum, shake the head, arms and legs, just shake shake shake, if your brother walks in and calls you a knob, ignore him. Infact scrap that. Tell him that jealousy gets you nowhere in life, and he will always have a bum like a cheeky girl. Nonexistent.

Whether or not this gives you the perfect bum, who wants one of those anyway? Ok we all do. But I am telling you now, this dance will give you that sexy Beyonce feeling, one which you can take to the dance floor next time you’re out.

Never strain. Always refrain from anything strenuous and enjoy life. I call these my words of erm wisdom, or okay not wisdom but yano, having a good time without the worry.

So for anymore tips or advice just tweet me @girlinoddshoes always happy to help.

Stars in my eyes

Feeling a little lost at the moment, and had decided to get a collection of magazines together sit down with a cup of tea, and read my fate through my horoscopes. Not only is this a waste of my time, money and brain space, but it’s also a pile of shite. Some could call me bitter, others may refer to me as cold hearted, but either way, the slightest inch of cheese, love or ounce of soppiness in my star sign, goes in my ‘this is a load of bollocks’ pile, and can stay there until my prince charming sweeps me off my feet. Never then.

Star Sign Number 1: Looking for love? Matters of the heart are amazing for Pisces like you and JLS Marvin. An inspired idea boosts your popularity.

So obviously after reading it, we all know that we think of anything possible to compare with what we have read. My inspired idea: I added jalapeño’s to my roast dinner? The inspiration came from wanting to add a bit of spice to my life. Felt a tad boring, and only thing I can do is add a green vegetable to my meal.  So by putting this ‘excitement’ into my life...there were fireworks. Well, in my stomach. And let me tell you...this did not cause my popularity to soar. Rubbish. NEXT.

Star Sign Number 2: Looking for love? Matters of the heart are amazing and this is one week you won’t forget in a hurry! A message is music to your ears and Friday blazes a new trail.

So once again they feel the need to highlight that I am single. Are you looking for love? Well no, not really. Where exactly am I meant to look? I love tequila. I love dancing. I love singing in the shower. Thinking back to what has happened this week, nothing exactly jumps out at me. Although, I did chip my nail varnish and colour it different to all my other nails. Ooooh living on the wild side!!!! Apologies for my extreme sarcasm today, I have no excuses. Infact, apologies for my sarcasm and bitterness every day. Let’s blame the dog. Why the dog? The dog always gets the blame. And as for my message on Friday, I did get a text off my mum asking me if I was in for tea and whether I wanted lasagne or jacket spud. I chose lasagne by the way. So what exactly could the trail be? Exactly. What a loada crap. NEXT.

Star Sign Number 3: Looking for love? Matters of the heart are amazing. With passionate mars sparking up your relationship, this is a week you won’t forget in a hurry.

Let’s just take a moment to collect our thoughts!

**********************************************************************************

ARE YOU SHITTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES I am single

NO I am not looking for love

NO I am not in a relationship. The only thing hotting up...is my roast dinner.

I’m not reading them anymore. All I am looking for is a little guidance. If anyone feels they have some words of wisdom let me know. You can tweet me on @girlinoddshoes

Or if you want to ask me if I am looking for love, just to piss me off, feel free, I will return the favour with a knuckle butty and a bloody nose.

Spinster is out in force today!

My First Lesbian Encounter

So it’s been a while since I have written. Not because I have nothing to say, but to be quite frank, I don’t yet think I have got over the trauma of recent events.

I’m going to set the scene as I feel like you should take this journey with me.

It was a cold dark night; and all was quiet in the town. I made my way to the beauty salon, for which was going to be an eventful, yet rewarding evening...or so I thought. Sweaty palmed I sat nervously awaiting my fate in the salon, when finally my time had come.

Making my way through to the back room, a muffled classical song played in the background, although it started to really piss me off as I felt like it was mocking me, playing all sweet an innocent sounds knowing exactly what I was about to endure.

After my recent ‘Hair Today, Gone tomorrow’ post I thought it would only be fair to put my words into action, and take the plunge of choosing a hair style, and to get ‘re-shaped’ or lets re-phrase that to: a number one all over please.

I think at this point I was more nervous about getting the old vajay out in front of the girl more than anything. She asked to see whether I had grown the garden enough for a trim.... so I thought here we go. The knickers came off. I think in my head I thought, a quick look, then the knickers would go back on. No. Couldn’t have been more wrong. She started stroking, I repeat stroking the welcome mat. Not only was she stroking my hair for a whole minute, but carried on talking to me like it was completely normal. Oh my god. That’s it. I’m a lesbian.

So she left the room so I could get ‘comfortable’ her words, not mine. The vajay was out. Blatantly just there, chillin out on the bed. Ok, so I’m not exactly shy, but I don’t go running round with my Minnie out. She came back in the room and started the removal of the hair. Wow, it buuurrrrns. As she made her way up my leg (this is normally kinky in a porno), but no, absolute worlds apart. I think this is the part where she said ‘Sorry if I seem weird when I saw it, but I love a good challenge.’ Are you shitting me??? Don’t call the sacred temple ‘it’ and also a CHALLENGE???? Ok. Breath. As she made her way around down below, the thought of someone constantly down there had disappeared and I had started to relax....until...possibly one of the weirdest moments of my life....

Now picture this....legs in the air, head on the pillow, girl? Nowhere to be seen until, PEEK A FRICKIN BOO...she pops up between my legs...to say...and I quote ‘Sorry about where my head it, but this is great’. Great? Great? What exactly could be great? Oh my god, I really am a lesbian.

So now, 2 weeks later. The ability to walk has slowly crept back into my life. My vagina? You may wonder. Put it this way, it has seen better days. The hair has gone, along with my dignity!!