End of an era

The title of this makes it sound like it’s about me leaving school, or Uni. It’s not. I decided to Google ‘era’ to see the definition they would use.

e·ra/ˈi(ə)rə/

A long and distinct period of history with a particular feature or characteristic.

Well my current job definitely has a feature about it….

I am about to leave my role after working her for a year on placement and returning after I finished University. I am proud member of the H&L team or Horny & Lonely as we are also known. God knows why? Half the team are married or in long terms…fuck. So me basically.

A rollercoaster it has been, but an enjoyable one all the same. I will take away with me one of the crudest, yet funniest games of all time. One which can be played at anytime of the day, usually a Monday at 8.30am.

I will put a few of the favourites on here, although as you can imagine, the more cruder ones leave you squirming in your chair for the rest of the day, I can and will not EVER repeat them rest assured.

Here it is:

Would you rather….

Would you rather only be able to travel by forward role

OR

Clap like a seal whenever you walk

Would you rather have an ear the size of a computer screen

OR

Eyes as big a football

Would you rather wake up every day with ham on your face and not know why

OR

Sweat garlic mayonnaise

Would you rather have a wooden leg

OR

Have three ducks follow you round for the rest of your life – quacking

Would you rather be half horse

OR

Half bike

Would you rather look like a fish

OR

Smell like a fish

Would you rather permanently have your arm stuck in the air

OR

One leg be permanently horizontal

My brain has turned to mush. Most of these require actions, which I am sure you can conjure up in your head. Although I have tried to give you a helping hand with images. Hope you enjoyed.

A fair few faces and conversations I will miss from the office, not sure if they are transferable to my new office. I could test the water? Although this could result in immediate termination. Splendid.

Only four days left of being horny and lonely hahaha naaaat.

Only four days left of being a member of H&L.

Cya suckerrrrrrs

Alice. Gone. Hopefully not forgotten.

x

Honesty is the best policy?

My friend has recently renovated her cottage, and as part of an extension created a second bedroom in her attic. The walls have been left blank for their 7 year old son to get creative on. Quite the little artist. After getting drawing jealousy, I ask him if I can draw a picture too. After him agreeing that I can draw, as long as it was a monster to match his other art work, I decide to compromise and draw a self portrait (a princess) as the good guy.

Mid draw he comes back over, okay so the head was a little big and I had drawn semi-accurate boobs (maybe not appropriate) and the legs were short.....he opens his mouth with...

"Why have you drawn yourself so skinny?" aaaaahahahaha

Are you shitting me? Hes 7 and he saw right through me. Body dis morphia. I'm even going as far as drawing myself smaller and the kid caught me out.

Below is an example of my drawing.....

Alice. Severe case of body dis morphia. 

Cheeky Alice

I definitely feel I was this inspiration behind this perfume. 

They have even used my red hair. Pfft.

Guide On: How to make an absolute arse of yourself on the train: Part 2

Disaster No 2

During another week of having to fend for myself, it was a nice peaceful morning on the train to Liverpool and as I sit peacefully with my earphones in, my mind is wandering everywhere. Bit of Guetta, bit of Dub, bit of Adele. Quite the range for a Monday morning.

Stopping at Liverpool Central the usual stop where 95% of the train depart, I look out the window at a guy sat on the platform bench, OBVIOUSLY i think he is staring at me, but this time I think he really was. I look away. Don't want to look too desperate. I looked back, he was laughing. Shit he caught me. He knows my game. But he was REALLY laughing. I turn back to see him patting the girl next to him and she starts howling too. Surely it can't be me? I look back to see what they must be laughing at in the carriage. Fuck. There wasn't anyone there????

I start to gather my things to leave? Don't know where or why I was leaving but I needed to move away from this window. Suddenly the train driver barges through. "OH MY GOD, thank God I checked this carriage, this train is out of service love, I am gonna have to let you off, all the carriages are locked."

Oh. Dear. Lord.

Not going to lie, if I saw me sat on the train after everyone had evacuated to the platform I would be laughing a lot too. I didn't even try and have a joke with anyone about it. I looked down at my phone, no eye contact could be made and pretended like all the doors didn't have to be opened for me to step onto a platform of smug faced scousers.

Alice. Pretty much the norm these days.

Guide On: How to make an absolute arse of yourself on the train: Part 1

Disaster No1


It was a late Thursday afternoon, and my car share was off on her jollies for the week, leaving me to fend for myself, i.e. Get the train to and from work. A simple task you may think. Think again.

My day MUST have been hard, and an overuse of the ole brain had taken place leaving me exhausted. A little sleep wouldn't hurt right?!

A few minutes later (in my eyes) actually 55 minutes and 43 seconds of snoring and I am being woken by a loud 'AHEM' quick wipe of the dribble and I shoot straight up to find the train wardens surrounding me.

"Excuse me love, are you aware of the Act 4598984629038545345 set before even Dinosaurs existed of putting your feet up on the train" Ok, so I made the figures up, but surprisingly to some I hadn't read the train guidelines before I set off on my journey. "I'm really sorry I didn't know about the act" - Major sucking up Act 1,234 of the Alice law. I knew this wasn't going to wash. I could tell by his screwed up expression, his mate felt sorry for me, but I didn't even get chance to give him the puppy dog eyes before Mr Screw Face had whipped out his notepad from his jacket. A very dirty jacket may I add.

After taking all my details and me giving my excuse that I had been on my feet all day. FAT LIE. I was definitely sat on my arse, at my desk, all day. I was given a fine. £50. Two nights out in my eyes. WTF?? It doesn't end here. I might have accidently misplaced the letter resulting in two follow up letters 'getting lost', then followed by a summons to court. Absolutely fabulous. I am now a criminal.

Along with my summons to court I received a copy of the details and statement he took on the day of the 'criminal offence'. Scrolling across the details, hardly your typical criminal description, Pink Hoody, Converse, Jeans, I stumbled across the category Style: (in his dirty doctor writing) Strange. Fucking strange. I may have wardrobe mishaps and malfunctions but its not bloody strange. I have asked people to take a look and their laughter became the confirmation. Fantastic.

Alice. Style: Strange