Holiday Packing

So the title of this is going to make you jealous, until you read on. I'm not yet jet setting to a hot Country, although I am sat here prepping with my friends about where we will go. My happiness is cut short when one of my friends reminds me of my holiday trauma, something I seem to repeat every year.

Packing, the fucking, suitcase. So everyone knows its a ball ache, but if you were standing in my odd shoes, you would see how easy you have it. Not only do I pack it 3 times myself, but my mum, friends, and dog also pack it again for me. Although sometimes when they are 'unpacking' it, they spoil all my fun by removing the necessary items.

• Water pistol
• False teeth
• 6 razors (only 1 is needed apparently)
• My entire make-up collection since 1995
• Bangles. Every God damn colour, because obviously being a girl, that's what they do! I try an make an extra girl related effort

Once lighter, I begin to lift... and realise I've packed a baby elephant.

But never-the-less I think I can get away with it. I try an convince my friends that, because I am fatter, I have more material in my case, therefore I have permission to have a heavier suitcase. Have I convinced you yet?

On arrival at the airport, I automatically think I am getting taken into a room and put under observation for the law against overweight suitcases. You think this may sound daft, but I have dreamt up arrests like you wouldn't imagine. Although they always end up with me being handcuffed. Obviously not a story for the dinner table.

Anyway, where were we? So approaching the conveyor belt, every year I try the same tactic if I throw it on quickly...it will be lighter (same process with weigh-in at fat club). Now writing this down, I can see how fucking stupid this idea is. ONCE AGAIN THE HEAVY STICKER IS SLAPPED ON MY CASE. Screw you easy jet. I have a disability (podgy). 

The Ultimate To Do List - Part 3

20. VEGAS — Everyone should hit Vegas at least once before they turn 30.

I hope to experience something like the Hangover. Although every night at Uni was like that, or worse.

I will however make a trip, if by the age of 60, I am still fat and single, to get a quick Vegas marriage held by marrymequick.com and marry the first Hill Billy I can find.

21. DRIVE YOUR DREAM CAR

Duuuude, I seriously need to pass my test, otherwise I’m going to forever drive the parents Meriva, with a massive L slapped on the front.

22. BE NICE 

This is too difficult to achieve. Especially when I am so perfect. Its very hard to find anyone else that is on my level, and doesn’t irritate the fuck outta me.

23. JUMP — At 216 meters off the ground, the Bloukrans Bridge bungee jump in South Africa is the highest bungee jump in the world.  

No. No. Fuck no. Hell no. Definitely not. Never. Non. No no NO!!!!!!!!! I’m not suicidal, just single.

24. LEARN TO DANCE

Ha, I’ve got moves you’ve never even seen. I put Michael Jackson to shame. Although my impression of his moon walk and finishing with touching his crotch, looks more like I am trying to pleasure myself. Fail.

25. TRY THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE 

Once, I won a £50 bottle of champagne in work. I swigged it from the bottle of course J

26. BUY THE HOUSE A ROUND

Romeo Dunn. There are only 5 of us who live in my house, two who drink, including myself. The alcoholic. 

27. PAY TRIBUTE TO THE GODS OF ROCK AND ROLL

Not really interested. Sorry. Although I will quite happily attend a rave with some of the greatest DJs in the world.

28. RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER 

Love to go for a ride!!!

29. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Most of the time I don’t really have a choice. Stepping in dog shit and wearing odd shoes to work – I wouldn’t exactly call this ‘Comfortable’.

30. GET A TATTOO —three rules for getting a tattoo. 
1. Make sure that whatever you’re going to get tattooed is something that you put a lot of thought into.

2. It's one thing to get your kid’s name tattooed, but remember tattoos last a lot longer than romance.

3. Don’t get tattooed for anyone else, get tattooed for you.

Phewf. Started to get a sweaty brow whilst reading this, but thankfully my Tattoo does not come under any of these categories:
Bladdered, in Benidorm and 17 years of age. Not to mention that the location is right next to the nether regions.