Unsurprisingly I have had countless awkward moments in my life. I spend most of my time convincing myself that everyone else has them too.
We all know they don’t.
Fondue Dance
The awkward moment when you’re convinced you fancy one of your friends.
Never before has an attraction struck until the moment the tequila hits your lips. A sense of lust enters your head, and you become convinced that they are the one (well that night anyway). You do everything in your power to ferociously flirt with them, using weapons of mass destr... I mean tools of luuurve. For instance, it’s normal to use a chocolate fondue (which the friend bought for your house, may I add) as a connection between the two of you, right? Then, continue to dance sexily in a bollywood style to a dance track in order to pursue them to the bedroom? Oh yeh, erm, me neither. This was obviously after I decided to do a seductive dance with a pizza tray on my head, and attempt to do the splits, only landing myself with cramp in one leg, and a gaping hole in my tights. Sometimes, I really can’t understand why I am single???
Lucky Charm
After attending an all girl’s school for my teenage tantrum years, it was time for me to open my wings, not my legs, and begin college, with none other, than the other specie here on earth, guys. Dum dum duuuuuum. The first day of attendance was always going to be the most daunting; a school dance is how I imagined the first day to be like. Girls checking out the boys, boys checking out the girls, teachers checking out the girls, I mean checking their schedules. Lunch time arrived and after spending 3 hours getting ready that morning, I was strutting my stuff through the car park to the back sheds (where all the cool kids hang out). Whilst on my little cat walk, I feel a sharp pellet to my left shoulder, “what little immature shit has thrown something at me” until I turn to find no-one there, but do find a hard stench of bird shit up my nostrils. Brilliant. First day of college and I’ve been shit on by a pigeon.
Bucket List
Ok, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a bucket list but a firm desire to try at least everything once in our lives. After a heavy night in town, me and my friend Stace decide that when all the clubs have closed, we were not ready to go home. After a few naughty glances of ‘we will regret this one in the morning’, we continue on our journey to the next bar, to find that only one bar is left open. We decided to check it out. As we walk in to find half naked girls walking round with money strapped to their ankles, the mortified look sweeps across our faces. But as ever, pride takes over as we move to a booth with our bottles of beer (only bloody things we could afford). After being approached by one of the girls asking if we wanted a dance, after a lot of umming and arring we decide to just go for it and get a lap dance, not really thinking it through. We are ushered to a booth with curtains draped around the sides (seedy), when the girls entered with a bottle of champagne. After downing two glasses, we were ready for the girls (in a non lesbian way). They start to strut their stuff and do the bend and click a few times followed by a few hula hooping of the hips, I was thinking “I do this at Zumba”, but when reality steps in, I can be confident in saying that I definitely do NOT look as good as they do when they dance. As the dance goes on, they continue by removing their bras. Oh.My.God. I could not stop staring. Perfect (silicon) boobs, round nipples, not a nipple hair in sight. All of a sudden I realise what we were doing, and start to feel a little uncomfortable. Almost frigid. Also, like a pervert. Unlucky for us, we have to wait the dance out. As boobs and bums are jiggled in our faces, the dance comes to an end, and the cheeky bitches grab a glass of our champagne, tuck the £40 YES £40 in their ankle straps and leave. No high five in sight, just a look between friends to say never again. Although it is one to tick of our ‘things in life to do’ list.
Tune in next week, for ways to not live your life, by Alice.
Or tune in next week for how to make yourself look like a dick 24/7. Yeh, I prefer this one. Bold, blunt and totally Bridget.
